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Confirmation Bias and Racism

 

When I hear the word bias, I think of either news organizations that slant their coverage to favor one political position over another or racial prejudice.

 

I learned about cognitive bias in my psychology courses in college —the collection of faulty ways of thinking that is apparently hardwired into the human brain. The collection is large. Wikipedia’s “List of cognitive biases” contains 185 entries, that is a significant amount!

 

Some of the biases are not a big deal at all, like the Ikea effect, for instance, which is defined as “the tendency for people to place a disproportionately high value on objects that they partially assembled themselves.” I know this one all too well.

 

 

But If I had to single out a particular bias as the most pervasive and damaging, it would probably be confirmation bias. That’s the effect that leads us to look for evidence confirming what we already think or suspect, to view facts...

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When You're Feeling Awful

Lately, under the Quarantine circumstances, I’ve been helping clients feel better, and it has led me to think of how I can help my readers get better at feeling their feelings without judgement.

Many of my clients are saying things like, “I shouldn’t feel this way because I’m so blessed,” or “I don’t want to feel so worried about everything, but I can’t help it.”

 

I help them see that they are resisting uncomfortable emotions. But this isn’t the answer to feeling better.

 

It is not an easy skill to do, to get good at feeling your feelings while they are happening.

 

It is common for us to hide our emotions from other people while they are happening, because often times, it is inconvenient to express them in certain circumstances and can be inappropriate. But what tends to happen is we become really good at suppressing and avoiding our feelings as a habit, which can cause problems, the main one being,...

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Recognizing your Attachment Style in Relationships

Uncategorized Apr 01, 2020

When I coach clients in regards to their relationships, Attachment Theory shows up in how people express their beliefs about independence, dependence, receiving and giving love, support, affection, and boundaries.

It's fascinating as a coach to see how our brains often become 'stuck' in patterns that started in childhood.

We aren't always aware of these patterns. But I want to offer to you that the more aware you can become, the more fulfilled you can also become in how you experience your relationships with other humans.

Because with awareness also comes dealing and healing unhealthy patterns.

This is important stuff my friends!

Know your Attachment Style and do your work of healing, so that you can heal your family tree from negative patterns being perpetuated that aren't serving you and aren't serving your children (and grandchildren, and so on. . . )

Here are the Four Attachment Styles:

  • Secure: Autonomous, trusting. Tend to find relationships simpler and more straightforward....
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Emotion Coaching Your Teenager

Friends,

Do you wish you could connect with your teens more?  Do you feel like your children can come to you with any problem?

I think the number one thing I hear from the teens I coach with is how they wish their parents would listen to them when they are upset.

And I get it.

Who wants to listen to a moody teenager?

Besides, it can be scary and what if we say the wrong thing and make things worse?

But I want to offer to you that there is a better way to show up for your teen when they are upset versus talking 'at' them or ignoring them.

NOTE: if you've been coached  before and know that Thoughts create Feelings, DO NOT tell your teen that their feelings are all caused by their thoughts and then go into coaching mode. Coaching is only for people who want to be coached. In family relationships, it is better to talk through their feelings with them and try to understand the source of where the emotion is coming from.

The key to good parenting for teens lies in understanding...

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Dealing with Criticism

Friends,

I’ve had to learn how to handle criticism in the realm of singing, songwriting, classical piano performance, jazz piano and yoga instructing.

 

It’s never been easy.

 

Have you ever been criticized for something you’ve worked hard toward, only to be judged or spoken of in harsh ways?

 

How is it that one person who says, “that sucks,” can cancel out one hundred people who absolutely adore what you’ve made?

 

Even just one hater can send us into questioning everything.

 

It’s common and I know this doesn’t happen to just me.

 

The truth is, the more I’ve put myself out there, the more I’ve entered the arena, the more criticism has come my way.

 

I’ve had to really work on establishing a healthy self-concept and mindset around criticism.

 

As humans, there’s always the tendency to think critically (or critically think - which aren't the same thing) and find ways to...

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How to Help Your Anxious Teen

First off, I want to say, Thank you for trusting me with your teenagers. I love them. Ya'all have amazing humans you've been raising!

I've noticed a couple of things:

They're in a hurry to feel better, fast.

A common theme that keeps coming up is to slow down.

It's okay to slow down.

Because we need to pay attention to ourselves.

We need to understand why we don’t feel good.

That's where I come in with the coaching. I help people slow down.

I help them pause, notice what they're thinking and I hold the space for them to stay with the unrest inside of them long enough to process it.

Why we in such a hurry all the damn time? (scuze my french si vous plait).

The goal isn’t to feel better fast. The goal is to feel now. Even when it's inconvenient.

Especially when it's inconvenient.

Or else we get all anxious and stuff.

We ultimately end up feeling better by allowing all our feelings.

The positive and the negative.

 

Teens face A LOT these days....

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Little Earthquakes and La Vie en Rose

Since my husband's job over the years of marriage has determined where we live, we've moved a lot. I used to freak out inside when he hated his job and wanted to get a new one. In our younger years, we thought that changing our Circumstance was the answer to solving problems.

The I.T. world is constantly changing, and my husband has worked hard to stay relevant and keep current in the tech industry. Whenever his boss or upper management would change, he would get nervous.

On one such occasion, he updated his resume in 2011 and was contacted by an Amazon recruiter who quickly flew him to Seattle, arranged for two days of grueling interviews, and then offered my husband the Amazon moon of a job, with excellent pay, benefits, and stock options.

And just like that, our little family moved to Seattle.

Except that I didn't want to move.

No thank you Amazon. No thank you Seattle. No thank you rain. and NO THANK YOU leaving my music career, friends, and family.

I was comfortable in Utah. I...

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How One Mom Shifted Parenting Her Teenage Daughter

The following is shared with full permission by a very brave mom who I recently coached.

She shared with me how afraid she was of her daughter and the distance they were experiencing in their relationship. She had a completely different vision of how she thought their relationship should be versus the direction it was heading.

She believed her daughter was difficult.

A belief is a thought you keep on thinking.

It's a thought you keep thinking over and over, until it becomes second-nature.

Most of us aren't aware of our beliefs about other people, other than the general feeling that they're lacking in some way or that they are responsible for making us happy.

Our beliefs will determine how we feel about our life. And they will show up in all of our relationships.



This mom wanted support with her belief in being a good mom. She was brave and courageous as she admitted that being a good mom meant "always knowing what to say" when her daughter would "freak out."

She held the belief,...

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The 50/50 Principle

This past year has been amazing. Lots of growth, lots of new opportunities, lots of goodness. And, it’s also presented a lot of personal challenges in my roles as mother and Life Coach growing a new business.

 

Even though I’m a Life Coach myself now, I’m still a student learning from my own mentors and coaches, and I’m new to running my own business.  My mentors push me to grow in ways I don’t always want to sometimes and they really know how to get me out of my comfort zone. I love this about them! And, it’s hard.

 

I learned a cool principle about life from my mentor and Life Coach, Brooke Castillo. It’s called the 50/50 principle.

 

My students love it when they learn this principle because it generates a lot of relief about realistic expectations toward life and what it means to be human.

 

50% of the time our brains will react to our circumstances

 and will feel bad. And, 50% of the time,

our brains will...

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Generating Motivation on Purpose

My music students have asked me over the course of years I’ve taught music lessons how to cultivate motivation to practice when they don’t feel like it. I love it when they ask me this because it means they’re ready to ‘level up’ in their musical abilities.

 

Many of you know I'm a classically trained pianist. I used to practice for three to four and sometimes upwards of six hours a day while studying piano performance in college on scholarship.

I didn't want to practice, but did it anyway out of sheer grit.

And then I burned out. And I burned out hard.

 

When my students ask me about motivation, I usually ask them some form of the question, “how do you want to feel about your music?” They almost always say, “I don’t know,” which to me is never a suitable answer.

 

I then follow up and say, “Don’t you want to be really good? Isn’t that what you’re going for by taking lessons from...

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Tools To Help You Parent Confidently

In this free mini course, I'll take you through the Emotion Coaching framework I've taught hundreds of moms and dads for cultivating more peace. Plus you'll discover how to shift the 'frustration habit' and parent from a place of trusting yourself more.