Friends,
Do you wish you could connect with your teens more? Do you feel like your children can come to you with any problem?
I think the number one thing I hear from the teens I coach with is how they wish their parents would listen to them when they are upset.
And I get it.
Who wants to listen to a moody teenager?
Besides, it can be scary and what if we say the wrong thing and make things worse?
But I want to offer to you that there is a better way to show up for your teen when they are upset versus talking 'at' them or ignoring them.
NOTE: if you've been coached before and know that Thoughts create Feelings, DO NOT tell your teen that their feelings are all caused by their thoughts and then go into coaching mode. Coaching is only for people who want to be coached. In family relationships, it is better to talk through their feelings with them and try to understand the source of where the emotion is coming from.
The key to good parenting for teens lies in understanding the emotional source of negative emotion and problematic behavior.
This is called Emotion Coaching in the psychotherapy world, and it is an amazing tool. I want to share it with you, in a simplified manner, because it is powerful and helps create bonds of trust, respect, and mutual understanding.
Here's how it works:
Step 1.) Become aware of your teen's emotion. Notice if your teen is quiet, moody, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, etc., and name it.
Parent: "You seem frustrated right now..."
Step 2.) Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching.
Teen: "I'm tired of school. I'm just tired of it all."
Parent: "Tell me all the things that are weighing on you, I want to hear about it..."
Step 3.) Listen empathetically, validating your teen's feelings.
Teen: "I feel like I give and give and giver to her, but she never reciprocates. I can't find anyone who is a true friend and I hate her!"
Parent: "You have every right to feel angry. I'd be angry too if I felt taken advantage of..."
Step 4.) Help your teen find more words to label what they are feeling.
Teen: "I'm so mad at the swim coach! She said I didn't Letter this year because I was late for workout too much, but I wasn't! I worked my butt off. This isn't fair!"
Parent "Along with feeling angry, you must be feeling a little misunderstood and frustrated and maybe even confused that you didn't Letter, it sounds like you thought you would..."
Step 5.) Set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem.
Teen: (yelling and slamming his book-bag on the counter.) "My friend is a giant prick and I hate him! He's always doing sH!+ to embarrass me and I'm sick of it!"
Parent: "It's okay to feel mad at your friend, but it's not okay to swear and slam things around, you shook the whole counter and it scared your little sister.... (pause) so tell me what happened today."
There a lot of different ways to react to upset teens.
Dr. John Gottman, a well-known relationship researcher and psychologist, identified four “types” of parents in his research that reflect stereotypes we often learn ourselves, as children:
Do you know what kind of parenting style you are prone to? I was raised with The Disapproving Parent style and have had to do a lot of work to unlearn this style of parenting.
I've learned that instead of focusing on my parental agenda when my teens are upset, it is important to show them that I respect their attempts to talk it out.
After the emotion has been acknowledged and processed, then it is appropriate to shift focus to solve problems, and guide them with trust and affection.
Whenever possible, work through negative emotion together.
Next time, when your teen is upset and expresses negative emotion, or misbehaves in some manner, try to figure out the underlying cause of their feelings.
Put the steps of Emotion Coaching to work in your relationship with your teen. Try the above exercises and see if they help you to form a closer connection.
Want more support in learning how to emotion coach? I role-play with parents and teach this stuff all the time in my coaching practice. I'm always here for you. Message me if you want help with emotion coaching.
Source: Gottman, John, and Joan DeClaire. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, 1998. Print.
In this free mini course, I'll take you through the Emotion Coaching framework I've taught hundreds of moms and dads for cultivating more peace. Plus you'll discover how to shift the 'frustration habit' and parent from a place of trusting yourself more.