When You're Feeling Awful

Lately, under the Quarantine circumstances, I’ve been helping clients feel better, and it has led me to think of how I can help my readers get better at feeling their feelings without judgement.

Many of my clients are saying things like, “I shouldn’t feel this way because I’m so blessed,” or “I don’t want to feel so worried about everything, but I can’t help it.”

I help them see that they are resisting uncomfortable emotions. But this isn’t the answer to feeling better.

It is not an easy skill to do, to get good at feeling your feelings while they are happening.

It is common for us to hide our emotions from other people while they are happening, because often times, it is inconvenient to express them in certain circumstances and can be inappropriate. But what tends to happen is we become really good at suppressing and avoiding our feelings as a habit, which can cause problems, the main one being, feeling awful and not knowing why.

Suppressed emotion doesn’t just go away and dissipate. Instead, it goes into hiding. It hides in the body, in the energetic body, and it compounds over time. I have seen this time and time again with my yoga clients who inexplicably ‘let go’ of deeply held emotions when their energy meridian points are activated in certain poses. They express shock as visceral memories well up and release, as though these memories (emotions) are demanding to be heard and processed. Usually, it is painful, but then is followed by a deep sense of catharsis.

Many of us pretend our way through our days and ignore our feelings. It is a very different thing to pretend to feel good all the time and genuinely feel good about not feeling good.

When you can genuinely feel good about not feeling good, you are allowing emotion without judgement.

When you are experiencing negative emotion, the goal isn’t to make it hurry and go away because it is inconvenient. The ultimate goal is to be at peace with that part of the human experience.

So what does this look like exactly?

It’s similar to what we would do if we were in a lot of physical pain. The way we deal with our emotional discomfort is allowing for it, paying attention to it, and holding space for it with loving-kindness and a nurturing attitude.

For me, this means grounding into my body instead of trying to escape it with buffering. I feel uncomfortable emotions mainly in my throat, in my stomach, in my gut, and in my heartspace. When I coach clients, each client describes it a little differently. No two people experience feeling awful in the same way. So interesting!

Carl Jung stated in one of his key insights, “the unfaced and unfelt parts of our psyche are the source of all neurosis and suffering.” To me, this means that it is some of our most important work of being human; to face and feel the uncomfortable feelings we tend to want to avoid, to lean into them and allow them to process. When we do so, we experience a freedom and a light-heartedness to our circumstances in a way that brings peace and genuine happiness.

A simple way to explain how to do this is to cultivate an intentional pause. If an awful feeling is constantly gnawing at you and you are caught up in other duties, allow yourself some space and lean into what is wanting to be heard.

Choose a time to simply notice what you are experiencing as you go throughout your day, and mentally check-in, or pause. Ask yourself: What sensations come up in my body? What are the repetitive sentences my mind offers up as mental stories?

Can you simply allow, just for a moment, whatever is happening inside of you?

Over time, you can weave these intentional pauses into your daily life, just for a few moments even, while you go about your activities. You don’t necessarily have to sit and assume a meditative posture. Find a way to be still that works for you that is free from distractions and weave the intentional pause into your daily activities.

If you find yourself feeling stuck, numb, or disconnected, take the time to pay attention to your immediate experience of feeling your feelings.

Increasing your awareness of your feelings has huge benefits. One of them is the ability to access a spirit of unconditional friendliness towards yourself and others, not judging yourself for feeling awful, but accepting uncomfortable emotions with compassion. If you want help with this, I’ve got a lot of experience, both as a yoga instructor and as a life coach, and would love to help you. Reach out for coaching anytime.

All of this reminds me of a beautiful poem by Rumi. I’ll leave you with his words and you can bask in the glow of his eloquence.

Love you my dear Readers.

Thanks for being here with me in this space.

This being human is a guest house.

            Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

Some momentary awareness

            Comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all! . . .

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

            Meet them at the door laughing,

                        And invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

            Because each has been sent

                        As a guide from beyond.

 Rumi