I missed the workshop on summer routines, will there be a replay? How do I not dread summer?
Q.) I missed the workshop on summer routines, will there be a replay? How do I not dread summer?
We decided to record the workshop material for June and will be posting soon - so stay tuned.
How to not dread summer?
1.) Get curious about current Thoughts about summer.
2.) Ask yourself what feeling or energy you want your summer to have.
3.) Brainstorm Thoughts that will help you create those feelings or energy.
For example: I want an organized, peaceful, and fun summer. Thoughts to create those feelings for me -
- Summer is magical and carefree, I get to decide how we use our time.
- My job is to facilitate learning and teach my children how to grow their interests.
- This is going to be fun!
If my Thoughts resonate with you, borrow them! If not, let's get creative in your coaching session(s) moving forward.
I'm having a hard time believing I can get what I really want, like other people can.
Q.) I watched the workshop on how to get what I want, but I'm having a hard time believing it -- I still don't believe I can get what I really want. I keep thinking about how this stuff works for other people but not for me.
Example: weightloss. I really want to lose weight. I love your Body Peace workshop from January and have been working on not being hard on myself with my weight, but I've only lost five pounds. I really want to lose twenty. I go back and forth between feeling proud of myself and feeling really impatient. What do you recommend at this point?
First -- great job on staying the course and losing five pounds! Way to go!
It sounds like your weightloss journey IS working, just not as fast as you'd like. There is a lot of evidence stating that slower weightloss is the more sustainable kind, so be curious why you're in a hurry.
Here's your Model:
C - weightloss
T - This stuff works for other people but not for me.
F - impatient
A - discount all the progress I've made, compare my journey to others'
R - I'm not working for me
This model is so insightful -- really take notice of the R line. Impatience is not a problem; we want to notice it and get curious about it. Impatience is full of untrue Thoughts. To work through it, write down all the things you wish would happen faster, and why you want it to happen now? It will sound something to the tune of "then I can feel proud of myself." But I want to offer to you that you can feel proud of yourself NOW, if you believe that you ARE working for you.
Fueling weightloss goals from motivating emotions like: determined / trusting / certain / will carry you to the Result you are looking for. What would you have to think if you knew and were certain you are going to reach your goal?
Keep going friend. There is so much goodness to acknowledge. Focus on that and keep going. You've got this!
My daughters are going off to college in the Fall.
Q.) My daughters are going off to college in the Fall. One has chosen u of u, the other is deciding between NYU and U of Washington, both of which are considerably more expensive than going to the U. We have been in kind of an uproar about NYU bc it is three times more expensive than in state tuition. The problem. We have money saved that would cover NYU, but it seems excessive to spend $300k on an undergraduate education. I think she is in love with the idea that she was chosen by such a selective school and the excitement of the big city. I think she can get a good education in a lot of places. She reads that as I want her to stagnate and not experience life. My other daughter feels like nobody cares about her going to the U bc we spend a lot of time talking about where Her sister is going to go. I told them both that I am sad and nervous about them leaving. They feel suffocated by that response. I feel like I am doing the whole thing wrong and don’t ‘now how to course correct right now. Before their Dad died we encouraged them to reach for the stars with college. I have also of course cheered with them about their successes. Feel like this is a big deal and I am making a lot of mistakes.
College admissions elicit high emotions; mainly because everyone involved is thinking there is a 'right' decision.
What if there were no 'wrong' answer here?
One of the biggest lessons your daughter could learn when making this decision is to learn to trust herself.
The only mistake a parent can make is to quit parenting. You are in the messy middle of guiding your girls in their decision making, but feeling terrible in the messy middle does not mean you are doing it wrong. What if it is supposed to be messy right now?
And lastly, this is about connecting with your girls by speaking your truth AND perhaps taking a step back as you demonstrate trust. What would TRUST look like for everyone in the story right now?
On a personal note: as a mother of a college student, I knew it was more important for my daughter to go to the school of her dreams than it was to settle. This isn't true for every young adult, but for my daughter's disposition and personality, it was a big factor in her decision making.
We could build a case for the conservative choice being the most wise.
And we could build a case for the adventurous choice being the most courageous.
The point: You two get to decide all of it.
What is a healthy schedule for a ten year old boy with electronics?
Q.)
What is a healthy schedule for a ten year old boy with sensory autism and is high functioning when it comes to electronics time In a twenty four hour period or each day. I am trying to repair damage my son's dad did by allowing him to sit in front of his TV from when he wakes up until the time he goes to sleep. I have no control at this point and need a professionals opinion on what is a good schedule to start with.
Answer:
I personally only allow for two hours a day for my teenagers with video games.
This is the amount of time we've agreed upon together through emotion coaching. I worked with him over a series of months to find the right balance where he feels he's getting what he wants and I'm getting what I want.
Every child and every household will look different with this.
The American Pediatric Association recommends a lower amount of time each day. But for us, the two hour time limit is perfect.
It takes trial and error.
Putting in the practice of emotion coaching works!
We had some rough patches. Every parent goes through their own brand of struggles.
Here are a few tips I want to share with you that I incorporated into my own parenting with purpose approach. Apply them as soon as you can. (I learned them from my own life coach, and thank heavens.)
Rather than “How can I get this behavior to stop?”
Think “How can I help create good behavior?”
A parents job is to ADD to a child’s life, not take away.
What does this sound like?
Let me give you some examples.
Instead of saying:
“Get off the computer.”
Say:
“Too much screentime makes the brain tired. You are welcome to find something new to do now.”
Instead of saying:
“Knock it off or you are not allowed any electronics tonight!”
Say:
“If you'd like to have more screentime, end happy and we can talk about adding more as you get better at managing screentime on your own.”
Instead of saying:
“You are so ungrateful and selfish!”
Think:
“I need to be better at teaching gratitude. I will research ways to do that tonight.”
Add to their lives. Move behavior forward. Get the positive momentum going and keep it going.
That’s our job.
You will make mistakes in your job. But it's not the mistakes that define you, it's what you learn from them.
You are never powerless. You are giving your power away when you believe this sentence. I know you FEEL powerless, but that doesn't mean you ARE powerless. This is our work as moms, to own our power of setting limits.You have control over how you think/feel/act. But give yourself grace as you learn and practice.
And I'm cheering you on every step of the way.
Oh! and Download now your Emotion Coaching PDF printable to hang on your fridge, such a great reminder.
My son's father did nothing in the lines of discipline with Xbox
Q.)
My son's father did nothing in the lines of discipline to our ten year old son who has high functioning sensory autism and he is now beyond out of control. If I don't let him play Xbox from the time he wakes up until the time he passes out at night he will freak out and say all types of hurtful stuff and beyond inappropriate stuff to me. There is no filter or limit when he gets mad or not what he wants. How do I start a healthy way of gaining control over him and start of discipline because his dad is of no help in any way at all.
Answer:
Notice how the brain is wanting to control son, and assign blame for son's behavior to lack of discipline on father's part.
Just notice. . .
without any judgement of yourself or your son or his father.
When children are difficult, our brains want to control other people.
This is not easy to do. But it is a crucial first step in taking control of the only thing you have control of, which is you - not your son or his father.
Once you really notice - then we can work on a game plan for son's gaming plan.
Schedule a coaching session SOONer than later. I want to dig deeper on your ideas of how son should behave.
And, I have a lot of compassion for mom's with children who have Autism. It comes with its own brand of challenges, this I know.
You're in the right place my friend by asking for help. - xo
thoughts about my husband
Q.)
I recently hurt my husband's feelings. I keep thinking, "he's so sensitive. it drives me crazy." I can see very clearly that his thoughts are causing his hurt feelings, and what he is making it all mean, but he doesn't want to change his thoughts.
I am a little scared about this because I feel like we don't have anything in common, and I worry where this is all headed. I'm also trying to understand the difference between being compassionate and being authentic.
Answer:
Notice how the brain is offering up some black and white thinking regarding your husband: 'either I can be authentic or I can be compassionate, but I can't be both.'
You can be both.
Yes, your husband's hurt feelings are coming from the way he's thinking about your words, but let's look at this model I put together, and you can correct it if needed.
C - I said words to husband.
T - He's so sensitive.
F - judgy (uncompassionate)
A - find all the evidence for how different we are. Question our relationship. Think something is wrong with him. Mindread.
R - I'm so sensitive
What if he IS sensitive? Why is this a problem? There are some women who wish their husbands were more sensitive. . .
Worse case: you have a sensitive husband and you get divorced. Best case: you have a sensitive husband and you learn how to be more compassionate.
When the brain goes to the "i worry. . . " space, that's where the brain is like a toddler running wild with permanent markers.
It's okay for husband to be upset and different than you. It might be really boring if you were both the same in every way.
For now, redirect the brain to how you can show up authentic AND compassionate, and allow your husband to be who he is without wanting to change him. Start there, and then I can help you to keep building authenticity and compassion at the same time.
I need more help with my anxiety
Q.)
I'm struggling on a daily basis with my anxiety. Specific example: I have a lot of tings I have to get done; take care of the kids, groceries, laundry, run kids to their lessons and soccer, and I like to make healthy dinners. As a result, my husband tells me I need to stop being so grumpy, which makes me even more anxious. I feel it in my stomach and then I feel even more grumpy.
I've watched the Anxiety course and I love it, but I can't just feel the uncomfortable feeling in my gut until it passes. Maybe because it never passes? It's really draining and I feel exhausted. I need some suggestions to stop the feeling and not think the thoughts that are causing it.
Thank you Danielle
Answer:
The reason your feelings won't go away is because there is still resistance. The clue about this being true is when you stated, "stop the feeling and not think the thoughts..."
Not wanting the feeling and not wanting the thoughts is making them fight even harder to stay, is making them stronger actually.
When we want a feeling to go away, that is resisting. When we think it should happen in a certain amount of time, that is resistance. It takes as long as it takes. To feel the feeling means we aren't wishing it away. Instead, we are allowing it so that we can learn from it. We want to get to the bottom of it because it has wisdom and is there for a reason.
In my experience with yoga breathing, both as a teacher and as a student, breathing techniques are powerful for allowing anxiety as a sensation in the body. As you learn to relax and breath, get curious. Is the anxiety coming from some sadness, hurt, grief, jealousy? Anxiety has many nuances. Why does it want to be there? Be curious.
It isn't the anxiety that is exhausting you; it is the resistance to the anxiety. Anxiety will not harm you. You aren't in danger. It will process through as you keep practicing relaxing, being curious, and allowing it to inform you of what it wants you to pay attention to.
How to build self-compassion
Q.)
I am new to DGS. I love it.
I had a coaching session today, took notes.
I was surprised to see the effect of what I wrote from coaching. I noticed a large number of very negative thoughts on my mind as I took notes, including things like ‘I sound silly!’ ‘this is obvious, duh!’, ‘I sound boastful!’ etc
Following this experience, I did another thought download, gathering up those thoughts. I then did a model on what had just happened, plus an intentional model to help me not backtrack. I won’t write the unintentianal model here, but essentially the T line was: ‘I am an idiot’. I want to note I usually and mostly do like myself well enough! So I was astounded by all these negative thoughts. In my unintentional model, the F line was ‘shame’, and then I continued with the A & R lines from there.
I want to ask about my intentional model which I then did, starting from the R line. Here it is:
C: I had a coaching session this morning which I took notes.
T: I am curious how I can care for myself in my difficult and self-blaming / self-hating moments
F: self compassion and curiosity
A: journaling to address my self-hating feelings re-reading my coaching notes. Allow those feelings to exist. Document them. If needed, more thought downloads. Practice self compassion
R: I’ve used my coaching session in a practical way and created more awareness. I’ve cared for myself in a beautiful way.
As I’m new to this, I wondered what you think about what I did: am I on the right track? Also, any ideas about how to practice self compassion in difficult moments would be welcome!
Answer:
Thought work is like emptying out a backpack. When we empty out the contents of our minds, it’s not uncommon to discover how negative it can be in there and how much we were holding onto that no longer serves us.
There’s an opportunity to dig in with some curiosity and compassion just as you have.
Before jumping ahead to the intentional model, consider slowing down to really understand your current thought before you change it. What effect does believing that thought have on you?
Witnessing a thought as a thought is often the beginning place of compassion.
Your brain reports “I am an idiot” like it’s a fact, but this is not true.
When you take the perspective of the compassionate observer, you begin to see that believing your thoughts is optional.
As an exercise, when you become aware of a thought that produces negative emotion like shame, consider framing the thought with the words “I am thinking the thought that…”.
Can you feel a difference between “I am an idiot” and “I am thinking the thought that I am an idiot”? practice and see for yourself. It's powerful.
Body Image thoughts
Q.)
Hello all,
I have had 2 coaching sessions with Danielle and am loving this so far. I hadn’t expected the impact of coaching - it’s new to me - to be so impactful!
I did extensive journaling these 2 weeks on my body image and already noticed a more positive experience in 2nd coaching session which was good but I noticed yesterday I was back to square one, focused on the things I don't like, and generally had negative emotion no matter how much I self-coached.
There’s a persistent negative thought that I’m not sure how to address. As background, I’ve lost weight in the last 2-3 years (15 pounds), and still have my last 5-6 lbs to lose to get where I want. Can I have your help with a model I’m stuck with, which keeps coming up. I want help with – is that while doing the model I found I was repeatedly saying to myself: “don’t kid yourself, this is not a thought. This is information. You just need to lose weight”.
I guess my question is how can I acknowledge that I do want to lose a bit more weight, yet not have these negative stuck models like the one below?
C: scale # 157
T: I'll feel better when I'm 140
F: Revulsion
A: exercise / meal plan / study about macros / compare myself to my sister / get more discouraged, memories come up from childhood – being commented on by a guy once (she is the one with the big ass)
R: I don't feel better
Answer:
What stands out the most in your model is the way that your brain is using this rumination on the man's comment from the past to distract you from the real purpose of what you are doing in the present.
A small tweak to your model:
C: Scale # 157
T: I'll feel better when I weight 140.
F: Revulsion
A: weightloss plan was diverted from momentum to thinking about ‘fat ass,’
lose momentum, memories came up from childhood – being commented on by a guy once (“she is the one with the fat ass”), I ruminate on “fat ass”
R: I distract myself from the work that I am doing to become my best self.
What are you making the man's comment mean about yourself today?
There is nothing wrong with wanting to lose more weight, but just keep in mind that the only reason we ever want to change our circumstances (i.e. weight or appearance in this case) is because we believe that we will get to feel something different.
What would you get to feel if you no longer believed that you'll be happy "when"?
What if you could practice giving yourself permission to feel that emotion now?
My son doesn't want to talk to me
Q.) My son doesn't want to talk to me. He's a senior in high school this year and I can't get him to talk. He just grunts. I ask him if he's excited about how his last year at the high school is going and he looked at me like I was crazy. I get that teenagers pull away and that they like their autonomy, but what should I do? I am afraid I'm doing it all wrong. I've always been intentional to build closeness with my kids, and my other kids responded so well (he has 3 older siblings) but I'm at a loss with this one. The more I do, the more he withdraws from me. What do you recommend?
The thought, "I'm at a loss with this one." is where I recommend starting.
If we tell ourselves we are at a loss, our brains shut down the ability to think on purpose.
Also, what if you are doing everything perfectly versus doing everything wrong? What if there is no such thing as doing it wrong?
Your son is learning to differentiate himself, which in psychology terms, 'differentiation of self' is a healthy part of adolescence.
Inside of Dare Greatly, we cultivate an 'Acceptance' mentality of other people for exactly who they are. It looks like telling yourself you don't have to change your son's behavior in order to feel better about yourself. You get to choose how you want to feel about yourself, regardless of how your son acts.
What would you have to believe in order to be proud of how you show up as a mother to your son right now?
Perhaps allowing yourself to experience the pulling away, instead of judging yourself that you must be doing something wrong, is one step.
Maybe identifying your expectations for your son and the type of mom you want to be to him is another.
Afghanistan. I'm heartbroken. Help!
Q.) I can't watch the news. I feel helpless. I don't know what to do with the helpless feeling. All I can think of are all the people suffering in Afghanistan right now, especially the women and young girls. What do I do with this feeling?
The feeling of 'helpless' is a difficult one. I categorize it as an indulgent emotion (see the How to Feel Better course) because it's one of those emotions that feels so necessary but keeps us stuck and spinning.
I recommend being gentle with yourself right now. And acknowledging that it's beautiful and it's okay that you have passion and that you care about people and their suffering. That's the first step.
The second step is to create an intentional space for your passion and caring. Chanel it in a useful way. This will start with your thinking. Instead of telling yourself, "I don't know what to do . . . " Tell yourself, "While I can't go to Afghanistan, I can do this _______, " and get creative on where the thinking will take you with ideas of what you CAN do.
This is work I do for myself in the context of human trafficking. I want to do something about it. And so I have had to get creative with my thinking of what I CAN do.
The feeling of helpless is not a problem, in fact, it's a feeling that is full of wisdom. It's a signal that you care deeply. Use it as a springboard to lead you into a more useful think/feel/act cycle. See the thinking through and don't leave the 'helpless' feeling/thinking unanswered.
I'm finding that self-compassion is hard.
Q.) I'm finding that self-compassion is hard. My brain wants to argue with me on how I don't deserve it. I keep hearing the thought, "yeah right, who are you trying to kid?" Is this normal? I'm not sure how to answer this thought.
Here's an example: I yelled at my son today and felt really bad about it after. I apologized to him and told him that sometimes I make mistakes and I'm trying to not yell as much. He was sweet about it and gave me a hug, then ran off an played, but I still feel horrible. I keep thinking I should be better at this since I'm working so hard on it.
Also, I really want to Thank you for this month's lesson and workbook. I'm really trying to learn this stuff and I'm so grateful for the work you do. I've noticed other areas where I'm making improvements, but self-compassion is hard for me.
Thank you, I'm so glad you are enjoying this month's lesson and workbook.
To answer your question, YES - this is normal.
It's fascinating how so many of us want to know if what we are thinking is 'normal'. . .
You get to decide what 'normal' is. And that's one of the best things to realize.
There are a lot of thoughts to be curious about, but I want to start with "I should be better at this." That thought is causing you a lot of pain.
Here's a sample Model:
C - yelled at son / apologized
T - I should be better at this by now
F - horrible
A - judge myself, find evidence for all of my faults
R - I'm not getting better at this. I stay stuck.
The reason I wanted to show you this model is because when we judge ourselves, we stagnate.
Most of us who are interested in personal growth also have a tendency to be hard on ourselves. This never works.
How to shift it?
Decide to shift it. And allow some room for practice, mistakes, and recommit to practice some more.
I promise you, self-compassion will start to stick when you commit to training the brain to be kind to yourself.
Keep going my friend. This takes time. And patience. And a little (or a lot) of grace. You are truly a growth warrior. And the world needs more of them.
Can you explain 'Face Worst Case' in the Master Anxiety Framework?
Q.) Can you explain face worst case with anxiety. I’m worried it will cause me to ruminate even more. Thank you
Sure thing.
It's about making peace in your mind (which tends to create drama and worst case scenarios) with the worst that could happen.
The worst that can happen is NOT a circumstance (C); it's a feeling (F). Most of us are afraid of feeling terrible. So anxiety tries to protect us from feeling terrible, ahead of time.
Feeling terrible ahead of time is akin to PRE-traumatic stress.
Listen to podcast episode #22 for even more on this.
And lastly, this is about building trust with yourself that you CAN handle any emotion. Telling yourself that you're worried you'll get lost in ruminating is a form of PRE-traumatic stress, feeling terrible ahead of time.
This is what the anxiety habit does on default. It is possible and worth the effort to retrain the brain to make peace with the future.
Exhausted around mother-in-law
Q.) I'm exhausted when I'm around my mother-in-law. I feel like she judges everything I say and I can't please her. In my A line of my Model, I have a lot of actions, but I am stuck with finding the R of this Model.
C - MIL says, "you should. . . "
T - I can't please this woman
F - exhausted
A - tune out, get angry, get defensive inside, feel hot in my body, complain to my husband, hide from her, fantasize about moving away, people-please, don't tell her what I'm really thinking, afraid I will explode,
R -
I love this awareness. Your Model is right on track.
R - I can't please me. (or I don't please me.)
Ask yourself: "what would pleasing ME look like when mother-in-law says, "you should. . . "
Ideas:
* Pleasing me would look like saying, "screw you!" (but you would probably feel bad for saying this, so notice all the thinking your brain offers up, and try to get really clear on what you REALLY want.)
*Pleasing me would look like saying, "you're right! Thank you SO MUCH for enlightening me."
*Pleasing me would look like loving everyone in the story with more curiosity and radical compassion, and being able to be authentic to who I am without needing mother-in-law's approval . . .
Embarrassed by my pain even though it is very justified
Q.) Is it normal to be embarrassed by your pain even if it is very justified?
Most of us are accidentally turning pain into suffering and we don’t even know it’s optional. 🤯
We’re doing it when:
*We’re feeling an emotion we think we shouldn’t be
*We aren’t as far along as we thought we’d be
*Other people aren’t supporting us like we want them to
*We don’t like how we behaved or when something just isn’t going according to plan.
And on and on...
We make our emotions and our default beliefs mean that something is going wrong.
But here’s the truth… things like this ARE supposed to happen. They DO happen. And telling ourselves they shouldn’t be happening makes it harder for us to deal with the reality of what’s happened.
Our resistance to what IS makes us less effective in dealing with what IS.
I'm having a hard time accepting my son's choices
Q.) My son just graduated and has no plans. His girlfriend is leaving on a mission, I hoped it would prompt him to go, but he says he has no intention. And he doesn't want to go to college either. Whenever I suggest things, he gets defensive. I want to help him, but he doesn't want my help. I'm not sure what to do.
Our first inclination as parents is to solve our children's 'problems' for them.
It gets tricky when there is a gap between what we think is a problem and what our adult children think are problems.
Work on finishing this Model and bring it to coaching, or submit more questions.
C - Son said, "I don't want to serve a mission or go to college."
T - My son has no plans (and he should).
F - frustrated
A - try to plan his future for him, micromanage, try to fix, want to control his agency, awkward conversations, create more distance, push him away,
R - I don't have a plan for me when son tells me his plans
There might be a tendency to feel defensive when looking at this Model. Just be curious about it if possible. Notice how easy it is to move into trying to control others when we ourselves are uncomfortable.
The question is: what am I making my son's plans (choices) mean about me right now?
I have a ton of judgement about athletes who don't respect the flag. Help!?
Q.) I'm not enjoying the Olympics right now. The women's soccer team is so disrespectful towards everything that has made our country great. I know we have room for progress, but why are they using the Olympics to push their woke agenda? I don't like feeling so judgemental, but I really think I'm right.
This is great awareness with not liking how you feel, even though you feel right.
I label this feeling as 'self-righteous' in a Model because it feels so necessary, but it keeps people stuck. It falls under the 'indulgent emotions' category as well.
Would you rather be right? Or would you rather be loving?
This is a great question to explore. No one can decide that for you.
Being right has its place.
And so does being loving.
If you don't like how you feel, for now, just be curious about why you don't like how you feel, even though you like being right.
This is the first step. There are more steps, once you can answer this one with clarity and curiosity.
What to do with Burnout in my business?
Q.) One of my top 3 feelings is burnout. I don't want to face dealing with my business lately, I just feel burned out with it. What do you recommend doing with burn out? And - thank you for the How to Feel Better course. I LOVE IT!
Thank you, we're happy to hear you're enjoying the How to Feel Better course.
Burnout if a Feeling, so it goes in the F line of your Model.
The thought, "I don't want to face dealing with my business lately," is creating the feeling of burnout, not your business.
Ask yourself what emotion you want to feel to fuel your actions in your business?
I personally love the feeling of 'valued' in doing my business tasks. I know that no one can create that feeling for me, so the question is, how can I value myself?
One of my favorite Thoughts in my business is, "I can't wait to see what I can create today that will help someone." And that thought fuels my work in such a way where I value my efforts.
That's just an idea, and just a start to get you thinking in ways that will generate the feelings you WANT to drive your actions in your business.
Bring it all to your coaching sessions, too. We're here to help.
My husband and I disagree about our budget
Q.) I have a hard time discussing money with my husband. I always feel panicky. He is the bread-winner and I don't contribute to the budget, so I always defer to him, but I want more flexibility with our budget. For instance, I want to buy our teenage daughter more clothes but he thinks she has enough. I'm not sure what to do. Is this okay to bring to 'Ask a Coach'? I also want to get coached privately and will sign up soon.
Thank you!
Yes, this is perfect for Ask a Coach.
Most marriages have work to do in this area. I'm so glad you are daring greatly and doing the work with money and budget.
First, challenge the notion that you don't contribute to the budget (that's just a thought.) Women who are stay-at-home moms contribute to the budget in countless ways by saving expenses on daycare, travel, food, etc.
If you believed you are an equal partner in your marriage with money and the budget, what would you be thinking?
Here are some ideas to get you started towards this belief:
T - "I'm a valuable partner in managing the money for our family."
T - "I contribute to the family finances in how much I save by not working outside the home.
Sample Model:
C - family budget
T - I am an equal partner in the budgeting decisions.
F - grounded
A - make decisions about money with confidence, talk to spouse as equal partner, have my own back, practice anxiety mastery skills, cultivate courage, practice growth mind-set, resourceful with money, (lots more to add here. . . keep coming up with what you would do or not do if you believed the T)
R - create equal partnership in money discussions in marriage
Think of more ideas on what you could think when discussing money as an equal partner. You are deferring to your husband to make the decisions because you aren't valuing your own contribution. Start there. . .
What is Emotion Intelligence? EQ?
Q.) What is EQ? I'm not sure I understand what that is about. Can you tell me more?
Refers to your ability to regulate and understand your emotions in an intentional way versus on default. There are four aspects:
1.) The ability to understand what YOU are feeling.
2.) The ability to understand what OTHERS might be feeling.
3.) The ability to understand HOW an emotion affects you.
4.) The ability to understand how you show up might affect others.
Every time you practice Thought Work and Emotion Coaching, you are raising your EQ. It is not fixed. It is fluid and can strengthen over time when cultivated. So glad you asked!!
Too old? HELP!
Q.) Am I too old to really change? I'm understanding these concepts but finding it really difficult to apply them. For instance, I can't stop feeling irritated at my husband (I've been irritated with him for over 30 years) and he's never going to change, so why do I have to? (Just being honest.)
Honesty is beautiful. Even if you don't like what you see.
It makes sense if you have 30 years practicing the emotion of 'irritated' for it to take a while to shift. yes?
Bring a specific example to a coaching session and let's work through it together. And good job for doing the work whether husband does or not.
This work isn't about trying to change other people. It's only about managing our own T's and F's. (thoughts and feelings)
Patience and Determination will see you through. We are never too old to change.
Practice finishing this Model and bring it to a coaching session if you'd like more help.
C - I have a husband
T - He's never going to change.
F -
A - judge him, doubt myself . . . (fill in more of what you do and don't do. . . )
R - I don't change
Empowering Thoughts, wanted to share
Q.) Just wanted to share the Empowering Thoughts I'm practicing. Thank you for all you do!
Teenage son lied about his cell phone. Can you help me with my Model? I'm trying to figure out my R?
Q.) I'm trying to figure out my R. Here's what I have so far.
C - teenage son lies to me about cell phone.
T - He shouldn't lie. I can't trust him.
F - hurt
A - yell at him, ground him, get anxious, talk about him to husband, worry about our relationship
R - ???
Help. . . .
Such a great start. Before we can understand the Result, it helps to put one thought (notice you have 2 thoughts), since each will have their own nuances.
Example:
T - "He shouldn't lie" probably leads to a different feeling than 'hurt,' something more akin to 'angry'. Here's an alternative model.
C - teenage son says words about his cell phone.
T - I can't trust him.
F - hurt
A - yell, at him, ground him, get anxious, talk about him to husband, worry about our relationship, (don't like how I show up.)
R - I can't trust me. (I don't like how I show up when I'm feeling hurt.)
This is a good place to start. Try not to judge it. Just be curious, then ask yourself if there are alternatives to how you would like to show up when you interact with your son?
Keep going! You're off to a great start here.
